FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2007
Exposé Of A Nanny
Years ago I thought I wanted to be a comedian. I even began to write some jokes. One of them went like this, “yeah, so I’m a mother now. (applause) Thank you. Yeah, I just adopted an ugly 17 year old so I could finally go out and be the ‘pretty one.'” It’s a terrible joke. Me? a Mother? That isn’t funny. I didn’t realize how unfunny it was until I became a nanny.
I didn’t really mean to become a nanny. In fact, I hadn’t hung out with kids since I was a volunteer at an after school program when I was in high school. That ended with getting my ass handed to me by two ten year olds.
Then two years ago I moved to Philadelphia, and some stranger asked me to watch his kids. I accepted because I trust myself, and I needed extra money. Also, because I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. It’s not that babysitting, or nannying isn’t fun, because it really is. I mean, you get paid to play. It’s the walking into someone else’s life that is really fucked up. Oh, bummer alert.
Moving on…Nannying has become so popular that I’m actually starting my own Babysitters club: Great Nanny Alliance Redux (GNAR) Squad. It’s kind of a cash cow. Seriously though, in Philadelphia, nannies are the stewardess’ for the 21st century. There are tons of women, ages 20-25 rocking the city on a daily basis with someone else’s kids.
I guess I could go real deep into the societal implications i.e.: daughters of career women are lashing back with having a career as a mother, but I don’t really feel like doing that. Dismantling societal constructs by way of feminism or capitalism is a real fucking downer. So, why not just check out my day as a nanny.
This is Emma.
If you live or work anywhere near South Street, then you’ve most likely seen her around. She’s probably the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, but seriously, all kids are kind of the same. Really though, my kids will be different. Duh.
I made sure to bring snacks with me, because strangely enough, parents don’t always have food around. But it didn’t matter, because she totally ignored the lady code and went through my bag!
Fuuuuck. Good thing I brought two apples.
Does she think I’m made of apples?
Whatever, anyway, after a good snack, I asked Emma what she wanted to do. The obvious answer was “Go to the park.”
Johnny Depp once said that hanging with a young kid is like hanging out with a drunk. I’m kind of inclined to agree seeing as how Emma can’t walk a straight line.
Not to mention her willingness to trespass.
Once we got to the park, Emma was pretty much into checking out the other kids, while I was kind of checking out this dude that was obviously living the dream.
We hung with our imaginary friends.
And then Emma wanted to swing. Ha! Not to turn this into a competition, but she couldn’t even climb onto the swing!
Whereas I can swing like a fucking champ!
And P.S. Swinging is sweet shit. All that swinging makes a lady thirsty. But, water? Kid, are you crazy?
I mean, that was totally my water in the first place, but kids backwash, and I’m tired.
It’s 4pm and time to take it Steazy. Turns out that it was also snack time.
But I swear if she had eaten that apple earlier, the situation wouldn’t have seemed to dire. So, like any good nanny, I took her to Whole foods, where the food is not only healthy but also, moderately priced. Emma wanted a banana cookie, but all they had was a banana chocolate chip muffin. I handed the muffin over and told her to party hard, but shiiiiittt, that girl parties a little too hard.
Oh well, the day was almost over, and it was time to go home. But before I left, I asked Emma to do a banana phone interview with me, and she politely agreed…
Courtney: What’s your name?
Emma: Um, Alison
C: Oookay, how old are you?
E: My name is Madelyn
C: Um, do you know what Multiple Personality Disorder is?
E: I don’t know
C: Who am I talking to right now?
E: To me.
C: What did we do today?
C: Did we have fun?
E: Uh huh. What are you writing?
C: An article.
E: Oh, okay.
C: Do you know what an article is?
E: No, I don’t know what an arcle is.
C: Do you know that you are absolutely covered in chocolate?
C: What do you think about Brit getting her kids taken away?
E: I don’t know.
C: What about Brangalina and baby Zhara’s hip surgery?
E: I don’t know. What are you saying?
C: Who do you think will win the election? Obama or Hillary?
C: You’re smart for not wanting to talk politics with friends. Well, who do you want to be president?
E: A dog.
Finally her dad came home, and after getting PAAAIIIIID, my day was over. All in a day’s work. Thursdays are awesome.
This is from Ugh News. Now defunct.